From the moment I open my eyes until I take my bath before sleep – even in my dreams, I am fighting a battle: A battle to fight over the negative thoughts that’s been trying to eat me up. It is a tiring fight to be honest – every day I awake to find myself exhausted from a long sleep full of nightmares, I drag my body aching for another two or more hours of sleep, I went into the bathroom – look into the mirror and see what I feared – the most looser person I have ever met.
But then I remember. That’s the depression talking. It wanted me to think the I’m a total loser, worst person on the planet. I work to fight the thoughts that rattle around in my head.
Depression is usually naked into normal human eyes. Well, that is because person who suffers from a major mood anxiety (depression) does not even know how to share it to anyone because they are ashamed of showing people that they are miserable in the inside.
People may know the symptoms and how to sympathy but do we really know what does it feels like to be depressed? To fight a battle in every waking day of your life.
Depression and other mental illnesses, changes the way you think about yourself and the way you see the world around you. Mental Illnesses give you irrational or false thoughts, and even though you might know this, that doesn’t stop them from coming.
One day, I woke up and it feels like everything was taken away from me, I was jobless, I was broke, I felt useless. I can’t go nor eat anything that I want just like I used too. I was living to depend on my partner which makes the feeling worst. I don’t blame the people around me – I don’t know why but all I blame is I for being not good enough, for being weak, for being broke.
Depression tends to force a focus on the negative and amplify sad emotions. It makes everyday things paralyzing and oppressive, and smothers the sufferer’s emotional state.
I sit in front of my laptop and stare for hours – reading tons of articles that took me minutes before It makes sense. Every word reminds me of the days where I know I make people proud because of where I am but eventually how it was wrecked by my miscalculated actions. Despite the mid-level-fame from college and the awards and such, I can’t stop myself from thinking that I did all the failure unconsciously. After lunch, people contacted me through different social media platforms and ask for the things that they wanted from me and believed that I can supply it to them anytime, but I know I cant anymore. Not anymore. The thought of not knowing how to tell them that I am such a loser just makes me want to shut down everything and send myself into exile. It makes me sick, it makes me feel sick knowing that I can’t continue the things that has been agreed due to my incompetency. The thing is, reaching their expectations is way far from reality so I take any chances to give them what they want from me to feel accepted. I was always outcast ever since and that’s the only way I know how to get their sympathy to be proud of me.
Mood Anxiety makes the world slows down and make it seem like it no longer makes sense. Everyday actions take on the weight of the world and each thought can seem to take tons of effort to create.
It’s almost 6pm and my couch is still eating me up with self pity and pretensions. I have to act okay, happy and normal all the time has exhausted me to the point where the idea of getting up to get a food nor visit a comfort room is impossible. I know I should eat and I know it’s important for me to maintain a good diet to fight my depression but the muscles in my body just won’t do their job in walking me to the dining table.
The effort it takes to blend in with others specially reaching the expectations of your family in the everyday world recently is overwhelming. People like me often appear “normal” to others but then barely function when on their own.
Finally! It’s almost time for bed again, people around me will go to sleep and I dont have to pretend anymore. I’m back in front of the mirror again. I seem to look worse and more haggard than this morning. I look to the right and see the marks of depression in my face – thinking If I should sleep or not due to nightmares. I know, tomorrow, it’s time to do it all over again. It will be another 24 hours of battle.
Even when people like me got people who they can talk too, they can still suffer from the symptoms of mental illness. While not every day will look this dark, a person with depression has to get past a day like this to see others that will be more helpful. If you suffer from depression, try to acknowledge your bad days and focus on the good days that will come – there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
If you are suffering from depression let me help you by sharing the things that I do to survive and make it through each day.